My Girlfriend Isn't a Vagina
A brief unpicking of a homophobic micro-aggression.
Picture this.
Woman A is talking to Woman B, they don’t know each other. Woman B asks Woman A ‘are you here with a partner?’ and Woman A says ‘yes he’s over there.’ Woman B says, ‘Oh! We do have something in common! We both love Penis.’
Pretty weird reaction right?
Let’s transpose that onto two men.
Two men meet, Man B asks Man A, ‘are you here with a partner?’ and Man A points to a woman over the other side of the room. Man B says ‘Oh! We do have something in common! We both love Vagina.’
Still odd.
Here’s the real life situation that happened to me last night:
Man I’ve just met: “So who is the guy you’re here with?”
Me: “Woman actually, she’s just there…”
Man I’ve just met: “Oh! We do have something in common! We both love Vagina!”
I was shocked, yet very used to this reaction. Variation on a theme for when straight men find out I’m gay. Although this particular stranger went for the more vulgar end of the spectrum.
My partner and I get a mixture of responses, but they often circle around what this man’s response demonstrates. Lesbianism is a sexual fetish and our relationship is nothing more than what we do with our genitalia.
His comment has reduced my partner, and by extension my relationship, to a purely sexual context AND he’s inserted himself slap bang in the middle of it. I’m suddenly in a locker room watching lesbian porn (starring my life partner) with this new bro leeringly jabbing me in the side. A sordid collusion I was thrust into.
“We both love vagina!” Immediately dismissing not only my partner’s personhood, but also our connection, and the depth of our bond.
Reducing anyone to their genitalia is dehumanising but it is particularly egregious in this context because it reflects a broader societal tendency to objectify lesbian women.
This is a perfect example of how the male gaze (and male default) is so brazenly at the centre of so many interactions. He made an introduction to my partner about his own preferences. And he didn’t miss a beat in letting this sort of violating remark confidently roll off the tongue.
In a moment where I’m about to proudly share with him who I’ve chosen to spend my life with, in a whip of the tongue he’s minimised the significance of that choice.
Lesbian relationships are frequently fetishized in heterosexual male-dominated cultures, often framed as existing solely for male consumption. His comment perpetuates this trope by implying that our relationship is relatable to him solely because of his own sexual interest in women.
The sense I was instantly hit with was, ‘you don’t know anything about my preferences.’ And, hang on a minute, that’s not what we were talking about. Nor do I want to discuss that with you!
‘We both like vagina’ out-lad-ishly ignores the nuances of my identity as a lesbian or queer person, focusing solely on anatomy as some kind of ‘shared’ interest.
My sexual orientation is not (only) a matter of physical attraction. In the same way as being a straight person is not (only) about who you like to be naked with. Sexual identity, psst… the clue is in the name, is deeply tied to identity and emotional connection.
In a way that only older white men know how, in 4 short words he’s invalidated the unique aspects of lesbian relationships and reduced them to something he can objectify or align with his own desires.
Let’s call a spade a spade, it’s homophobic. Or at least a homophobic micro-aggression rooted in ignorance.
Side Note on Lesbian Sex
The use of the word vagina in particular irked me. Ignoring all of the above for one second, my sexual experience as a lesbian is very unlikely to be something I share in common with this man. First and foremost because he is a man.
I feel it goes without saying (but clearly it does) lesbian sexuality is about far more than anatomy. He is perpetuating the misconception that lesbian attraction is equivalent to heterosexual male attraction to women.
There are multifaceted emotional, relational and physical dynamics that define lesbian intimacy. That, sadly, he will never have the pleasure of experiencing.
This guy’s comment reflects a male-centric understanding of female sexuality, rooted in the idea that pleasure is derived in the same way for everyone or that lesbians share a similar lens to heterosexual men.
The vagina (i.e. the muscular tube leading from the external genitals to the cervix of the uterus in women) plays a far less dominant role in lesbian sex than what he is probably imagining. (The fact that he is imagining it at all is at the centre of the aforementioned issue here, so back to that in a moment.)
In fact if he’s said, “We both love Vulva!” I’d have marginally more respect for him.
So What Did I Do?
I don’t hold shame about my sexual orientation, but I do brace when I tell strangers. Readying myself for some kind of unwanted reaction.
This one snuck up on me.
I was at a drinks party of a good friend in a trusted space and let my guard down.
My cheeks rushed, I looked away, I laughed half-heartedly with him, and I stumbled to redirect the conversation. I searchingly looked over at my partner who took the cue to come and introduce herself.
She quickly read the room/ ignorance, without needing much context, and moved us out of his power bind. (This is why I love her.)
I know that I’ve been conditioned to prioritise harmony, avoid conflict, keep others happy. So I understand why I didn’t call him out. It’s also not fun to pull out my soapbox and rainbow flag and give him a lecture on LGBT issues at a friend’s birthday party. AND I’m disappointed with myself.
His comment reflects not just a lack of awareness but also a kind of entitlement that aligns with broader patterns of privilege — where women, particularly queer women, are often expected to tolerate or laugh off such behaviour to avoid conflict or discomfort.
I could have done better this time. To properly honour my identity, my partnership and, frankly, all the gays.
I’ll cut myself some slack (and post this article instead) and go back to re-drafting the text message I would send him if I had the… VAGINA to do.
Hope you enjoyed this read. Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Let’s connect.