Meryl, this is heart-wrenchingly beautiful and so relatable. This whole section really struck me: "
I might take me and my grief-mess on a little plod to my local park, marvel at the lilac of the falling blossom littering the gravel of the pathways, show it that life continues to stretch out around us.
I see now that grief isn’t something to solve. It likes to be understood and heard but it doesn’t get finished."
This is so much how I feel, and it's wonderful to read something that captures that so perfectly. You're going through this thing that only you can feel your way through, and yet you are not alone. I'm thrilled to hear that you're taking the grief-mess outside. I found the forest, or parks, or anywhere outside to be a great place to let it do its thing. I initially went into a deep, fairly frantic healing pursuit, and not that some of the things I tried weren't helpful, but the mindset of fixing my grief, that somehow feeling all of this was wrong, that I was doing things wrong... that sure doesn't feel good. Took me a long time to see that I was doing that to myself, over and over.
And yet, I think we all go through at least some, if not a LOT, of that. It's such a natural thing. You've really put it so perfectly here, and I feel less alone after reading it, as I'm sure many others will. I hope you feel less alone after writing it. Thinking of you, and sending all good things your way. 🙏
Was eager to read your comment on the piece Rob! And you delivered 💕💕💕
I do feel less alone. Actually this book has been a real gift. I chose it whilst I had 2 good friends staying over the weekend and I read it and cried with them and my partner. They don’t get my grief because it’s so personal but they sat with my tears and it helped me realise I don’t have to do this on my own.
Writing this piece has shown me that I was ready to surrender a little further too. It was cathartic as writing always is!
And your piece yesterday spurred me on to publish. So thanking you again for that.
Feeling warm and lucky to have connected with you 💫
All so wonderful to read. I clicked through to see this book on Amazon, and am eager to read it. I love everything in the blurb, especially: "you cannot do grief wrong."
Complicated grief has those additional layers of loss, and that especially keen feeling you mention about not having the opportunity now to fix things, or have them go differently. I love what you said about things expanding around the grief... as that does seem to be the case. The grief doesn't necessarily get smaller, but our lives grow bigger around it. I do believe what David Whyte says about the relationship continuing to be a critical part of dealing with complicated grief. The door is still open for us to continue a conversation of sorts, imaginal as it may be.
The book really is well written - real, funny and helpful. It comes from a place of loving (in the more traditional and simpler definition of that word) the dead person and so I’ve had to do some mental hurdles to fit it into my story but it’s nonetheless been really supportive. Highly recommend. She has a podcast called griefcast too. Not listened yet but plan to, now I’ve accepted I’m grieving!
So much of what you already wrote is aligned to her writing - not doing grief wrong etc!
She has an interesting part about secondary grief and I actually wonder if my dead person is my secondary grief, and the grief at the loss of my youth is my primary. And that was interrupted by his death. Something to further unpick!
Grieving is a funny fish as I like to say - and so unique to the circumstances.
Seems a strange thing to say but well done. It is quite a thing to sit with it, speak of it and to listen to it. That part is wide and deep enough. To then share it? Generous and brave. Thank you.
I wonder if you follow the griefcast podcast?
It was a solid companion for me during the pandemic. Cariad’s openness and honesty is so refreshing.
Oh Pid’or so comforting to see your name pop through in my notifications and grateful for you taking the time to read this. Thank you, deeply. It’s a journey - and I’m so glad I’m able to use writing to process some of it. I haven’t listened to Griefcast yet but intend to! Her book really was a turning point for me.
Meryl, this is so beautifully written—so raw, open, and real. It takes courage to surrender to grief the way you are, to make space for it, and to share it with us all. I hope it feels a little lighter in doing so.
This part made me stop: “I see now that grief isn’t something to solve. It likes to be understood and heard, but it doesn’t get finished.” Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and struggles about something so complex. I feel like I understand grief a little better now. Wishing you comfort and for your grief to feel understood and heard. ❤️
It’s so meaningful to me to read your comment Jenn - knowing it shifted something for you. That’s what this is all about for me - transforming my understanding of something and helping others do the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reach out ❤️
I have a friend who is grieving the marriage she doesn’t have. I’ve been there to bear witness to the loss and pain of her grief and how addiction tears apart the entire system. Your essay came at the perfect time. So lyrical, yet profoundly insightful. What a gift for the moment, Meryl. Thank you.
Meryl, this is heart-wrenchingly beautiful and so relatable. This whole section really struck me: "
I might take me and my grief-mess on a little plod to my local park, marvel at the lilac of the falling blossom littering the gravel of the pathways, show it that life continues to stretch out around us.
I see now that grief isn’t something to solve. It likes to be understood and heard but it doesn’t get finished."
This is so much how I feel, and it's wonderful to read something that captures that so perfectly. You're going through this thing that only you can feel your way through, and yet you are not alone. I'm thrilled to hear that you're taking the grief-mess outside. I found the forest, or parks, or anywhere outside to be a great place to let it do its thing. I initially went into a deep, fairly frantic healing pursuit, and not that some of the things I tried weren't helpful, but the mindset of fixing my grief, that somehow feeling all of this was wrong, that I was doing things wrong... that sure doesn't feel good. Took me a long time to see that I was doing that to myself, over and over.
And yet, I think we all go through at least some, if not a LOT, of that. It's such a natural thing. You've really put it so perfectly here, and I feel less alone after reading it, as I'm sure many others will. I hope you feel less alone after writing it. Thinking of you, and sending all good things your way. 🙏
Was eager to read your comment on the piece Rob! And you delivered 💕💕💕
I do feel less alone. Actually this book has been a real gift. I chose it whilst I had 2 good friends staying over the weekend and I read it and cried with them and my partner. They don’t get my grief because it’s so personal but they sat with my tears and it helped me realise I don’t have to do this on my own.
Writing this piece has shown me that I was ready to surrender a little further too. It was cathartic as writing always is!
And your piece yesterday spurred me on to publish. So thanking you again for that.
Feeling warm and lucky to have connected with you 💫
All so wonderful to read. I clicked through to see this book on Amazon, and am eager to read it. I love everything in the blurb, especially: "you cannot do grief wrong."
Complicated grief has those additional layers of loss, and that especially keen feeling you mention about not having the opportunity now to fix things, or have them go differently. I love what you said about things expanding around the grief... as that does seem to be the case. The grief doesn't necessarily get smaller, but our lives grow bigger around it. I do believe what David Whyte says about the relationship continuing to be a critical part of dealing with complicated grief. The door is still open for us to continue a conversation of sorts, imaginal as it may be.
The book really is well written - real, funny and helpful. It comes from a place of loving (in the more traditional and simpler definition of that word) the dead person and so I’ve had to do some mental hurdles to fit it into my story but it’s nonetheless been really supportive. Highly recommend. She has a podcast called griefcast too. Not listened yet but plan to, now I’ve accepted I’m grieving!
So much of what you already wrote is aligned to her writing - not doing grief wrong etc!
She has an interesting part about secondary grief and I actually wonder if my dead person is my secondary grief, and the grief at the loss of my youth is my primary. And that was interrupted by his death. Something to further unpick!
Grieving is a funny fish as I like to say - and so unique to the circumstances.
Seems a strange thing to say but well done. It is quite a thing to sit with it, speak of it and to listen to it. That part is wide and deep enough. To then share it? Generous and brave. Thank you.
I wonder if you follow the griefcast podcast?
It was a solid companion for me during the pandemic. Cariad’s openness and honesty is so refreshing.
Wishing you a gentle onward journey. 🙏🏾
Oh Pid’or so comforting to see your name pop through in my notifications and grateful for you taking the time to read this. Thank you, deeply. It’s a journey - and I’m so glad I’m able to use writing to process some of it. I haven’t listened to Griefcast yet but intend to! Her book really was a turning point for me.
Sending love over to you xxx
Meryl, this is so beautifully written—so raw, open, and real. It takes courage to surrender to grief the way you are, to make space for it, and to share it with us all. I hope it feels a little lighter in doing so.
This part made me stop: “I see now that grief isn’t something to solve. It likes to be understood and heard, but it doesn’t get finished.” Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and struggles about something so complex. I feel like I understand grief a little better now. Wishing you comfort and for your grief to feel understood and heard. ❤️
It’s so meaningful to me to read your comment Jenn - knowing it shifted something for you. That’s what this is all about for me - transforming my understanding of something and helping others do the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read and reach out ❤️
I have a friend who is grieving the marriage she doesn’t have. I’ve been there to bear witness to the loss and pain of her grief and how addiction tears apart the entire system. Your essay came at the perfect time. So lyrical, yet profoundly insightful. What a gift for the moment, Meryl. Thank you.
Oh I’m so honoured my words came at the right moment - and that you shared this. My heart is with your friend 💕