Unconditional Positive Regard
How UPR transformed my relationships.
I live in Lisbon and on a few occasions have jumped hastily into an Uber and pulled the door shut with a bit too much gusto. “Not so hard!” a few drivers have been quick to bark at me the moment I plop my bottom in their backseat. Could be a me thing, am I slamming doors unnecessarily? Could it be a them thing, fearing damage to their cars by one-too-many reckless riders?
The truth is, I don’t know.
I could think, “Chill out, I didn’t slam it that hard, I wanted to make sure it was shut. Don’t be so rude to me. What a nasty way to start this ride.” I could sigh, slide over a snide remark, defensively give the driver the silent treatment with arms folded and face into my phone. I could stew. I could make it about me.
But with this magic little gift called Unconditional Positive Regard I don’t have to like what he did. Or even like him. I do however have to positively accept him. Drop all judgment on his character. Not make any assumptions about his intentions. Not put myself at the centre of this interchange.
My body can relax. I can look out the window and enjoy the nature zooming past. I can breathe.
I don’t know why he behaved like that, but we aren’t on opposite sides of anything. It’s pretty unlikely that he has a personal vendetta against me in any event, we’ve never met!
It allowed me and the driver to both quickly move past the door slamming incident and have a pleasant conversation about learning Portuguese, the crazy rainstorms we were having and recommendations for day trips from the capital.
So what is Unconditional Positive Regard?
I first heard this term on a basics course in psychotherapy. And something pleasurably nestled into place. ‘That’s it’ my chest bloomed. This is how I strive to be with others!
Treating them with Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR).
UPR is a concept developed by humanist psychologist Carl Rogers. A technique used in client-centered therapy, where the therapist believes that the person has the inner resources to help themselves.
You and I might be misaligned, but UPR permits me to accept you without expectations for how either of us have to act. Far more respectful and honouring of whoever you might be.
UPR just requires me to accept another person exactly as they are. Take them, without condition, in positivity.
It’s a genuine attempt to relate to another human without trying to change them.
In other words, it’s radical acceptance.
It’s an evolution!
It takes all the best bits from the below…
“Love the sinner, hate the sin”
“Agree to disagree”
“Treat others as you would like to be treated”
“Put yourself in their shoes”
“Give them the benefit of the doubt”
“You get what you give”
“Kill them with kindness”
… but, as you will see, it radically and robustly zooms in on the essence of what these are trying but falling short in doing.
“Love the sinner, hate the sin” suggests that there’s inherently bad parts of people that we need to separate from the person in order to find love for them. Treating someone with UPR accepts all of a person and is not unconditional love. It does not require you to feel warm towards them, or even like them. Simply accept them.
I think of all the LGBT teenagers told ‘I’ll love you, no matter what’ when they bravely come out to their parents. Seems like acceptance but hides an undertone of the gayness being an inconvenience we can try to tolerate. I can love you, despite your sexuality…
UPR accepts the wholeness of the person, regardless of what sin your belief system thinks that they are committing. The response then becomes, ‘I will support all of you, not just the parts I believe are worthy of love.’
“Agree to disagree” leaves you on either side of something, with a big (and sometimes angry) blockade in between you. There’s not much hope for any kind of forward momentum.
Two friends are in the throws of a political debate (touchy subject at best, horrifically divisive at worst!). Not getting anywhere, one resigns with his arms folded, “Let’s just agree to disagree,” with tension sticky in the air.
If he were to use UPR he might instead say, “So we clearly have different views on this! I’d like to understand your perspective better (but not to change it).” He’s raising the value of the relationship above being right, he’s found a way to remain curious without disrespecting his own values.
“Treat others as you would like to be treated” is conditional on how we’d like to be treated. Placing your standards on someone else’s way of being. In fact, it assumes that we all have the same needs and values. That wouldn’t be a very colourful world if that was true.
A friend of mine was going through a bad break up, I was assuming that she’d want space as I had done when I went through my most recent one. I was placing my needs onto her. The response using UPR would instead allow her to say what she wants. I’d text her with, “I’m here for you and thinking of you, let me know if you want company or space or something else.”
“Put yourself in their shoes” is somewhat belittling! You’re assuming that if you wear someone’s shoes for a day you’ll miraculously get what they’re all about.
In a group meeting a junior colleague was volunteered by her manager to lead on a project. The senior manager proudly told me afterwards, “I was just like her starting out in my career, I know how it feels to be so quiet, you never get any opportunities, she’d never have put her hand up for that if it wasn’t for my help.” I spoke to her later on and she shared how irritated she was that he’d done this, “I don’t need others to put me forward for things. I’m prepared to ask in my own way. And I really don’t have capacity for this project right now!”
If he’d applied UPR, he’d have respected her to go for the projects she wants in the way she’d like to do that. Giving her autonomy, agency and not assuming what she wants or needs. He may have privately told her, “if you’d like me to back you for any particular project I’d be happy to do that. Let me know how you prefer I go about doing that too.”
“Give them the benefit of the doubt” is suggesting that people could have inherently bad intentions but we’ll just assume that they don’t so we can get on with them. UPR instead just takes whatever their intentions are as fact, with a foundational stance of acceptance.
A friend was giving me one word answers for quite a while. I could tell something was up but was burying my head in the sand, assuming all was ok and I’d done nothing wrong. UPR kicked in and I decided to reach out with a voice memo. Saying I could sense something had upset her and I’d love to give her the space to share, if she’s willing. We had a big heart to heart, she revealed she was feeling deprioritised as a friend and it allowed me to stay curious and just accept her emotions for what they are.
“You get what you give” reduces a friendship to a transaction. As if positivity must be earned or reciprocated. What about the value in giving without expectation?
I post feedback on my fellow writer’s essays online, I reply to comments from fellow coaches on my Somatic School platform, I text a friend with a quote they might like not because I’d like them to do the same for me. But because, with UPR, I’m simply glad to assist in their time of need. If it doesn’t suit me to give in that way, I won’t spend the time. If it suits me, regardless of whether I’ll get anything in return, then I’ll go for it.
“Kill him with kindness” implies using some form of sickeningly sweet strategic words of kindness as a weapon, wielding them like I have the elitist upper hand, ‘I know how to win him over, and make him feel bad for what he did.’
Applying UPR in fact steers us away from false and toxic positivity. We’re not looking to dismiss, invalidate, or shame a fellow human for having their own emotions.
Toxic positivity looks like this. Someone’s cut in the line. You loudly call out to them, “No problem, you must be having a REALLY hard day, how can I make this easier for you, take all the time you need.” Through a forced smile and gritted teeth. Wanting everyone to see how wonderful you are to be so understanding whilst blinding your victim with the luminescent stage light you’ve shone on them. They’ve gone red with shame and rage and you’re waving your peace flag from the top of that moral high ground. Good on you. Shame on them.
The UPR response? You take a subtle step backwards, give them some space, take a breath and wait patiently. You might get eye contact and give them a soft smile and a nod. Maybe you quietly and neutrally ask, “In a rush?” or even, “always a big queue here right?” Opening the line of communication. See how they respond and go from there. No killing involved. No need to win. Meet them where they are at.
The benefits?
The world isn’t against me! I don’t have to battle to persuade someone of my point of view. I don’t have to take things personally. This actually isn’t about me at all.
You do you, I’ll do me.
And we respect and accept each other in the ‘is-ness’ of ourselves.
It’s a shortcut to bringing me back into the objective (and more relaxed) here and now. I’m anchored.
It takes me down a peg or two. Reminding me I have no idea what’s going on in this person’s world. It keeps me open and curious. Which gives us both the opportunity for compassion.
Changing how I relate to others
I realised that I had been on the receiving end of UPR with my therapists and coaches over the years. I could bring anything onto the couch and would be met with uncomplicated acceptance. No need to correct, edit or apologise. No need to be embarrassed or fear judgment for what I was sharing.
It was liberating and allowed me to be more vulnerable.
I told my coach yesterday, “I’m learning Portuguese. It’s really hard and I hate how I’m not naturally good. I get a tight knot in my stomach before my lessons and feel like crying!”
Before understanding UPR I would have used some more palatable explanations and even persuaded her to feel sorry for me.
I could have then said ‘oh it must be my overachieving, fear of failing at play’ and cover up the more embarrassing truth.
I felt my cheeks go red at admitting that really… “I don’t want to look uneducated…” That’s the ugly truth.
BUT knowing my coach will be applying UPR towards me, I’m liberated from the judgment. I know she is going to simply accept whatever is underneath my block at learning Portuguese. She’s going to invite me to be curious about it.
I could then dive into where this embarrassment was coming from. I spoke to that part of me and realised that Meryl feels like she has to keep up the appearances of an intelligent person. That Meryl unfairly and judgmentally says to me, “you can’t be beginner who is struggling with the very basics of a language millions speak.”
The knot in my stomach relaxed a bit. That part of me loosened and felt acknowledged. It wanted to hear that it could take a break and maybe ‘sit this one out’. Let another part of me, a more playful and creative part, take over during Portuguese lessons.
If my coach hadn’t given me the gift of UPR. If she’d wagged her finger at me, or tried to persuade me not to be so arrogant, or balked or been disappointed with what was underneath my embarrassment… I would have shut down, hidden or become defensive.
“Do not try to call them back to where they were, and do not try to call them to where you are, beautiful as that place may seem. You must have the courage to go with them to a place neither you nor they have been before.” Richard Rohr
How might you apply UPR?
When you’ve irritated an Uber driver, when someone pushes in the line, when a friend says something a little strange, when your partner doesn’t reply straight away, when you meet a new surly client… can you spot the opportunities to apply UPR in your life?
Ask yourself…
Where have I been assuming how someone is feeling or what they are thinking?
Am I imposing my belief system on someone else?
Where have I acted as if I’m in a battle with someone?
When have I tried to persuade someone of my way of doing things?
Where have I rejected someone because of a part of them I don’t like so much?
Where have I put myself at the centre of a situation?
Am I only willing to do something for someone if they do the same in return?
Start to see if you can…
Leave the judgment at the door
Tell yourself it’s not your responsibility to change or fix someone else
Radically accept the person’s actions and words just as they are
Remember that you don’t know what this person needs or wants
Stay curious and light about whatever that person is sitting with
Imagine yourself standing side by side that person instead of opposite them
Would love to hear how you’re getting on!
I am a Somatic Coach and through my writing attempt to capture the human experience, through our minds and bodies. If you’re interested in what Somatic Coaching is or would like to try it, find out more about it here.
Thanking Harrison Moore and Emily Sokolow for their invaluable feedback on this one!
Wonderful way of putting it - they don’t need to ‘do for’ the coach and just ‘be for’ themselves. UPR is a real game changer isn’t it!
Meryl! I feel completely remiss that I haven't commented until now, especially since I read this piece to my wife last week, and have been thinking about it ever since you posted it. Such life-changing stuff.
We've had a long-standing framework my wife got from one of her teacher friends, called MGI (most generous interpretation). We've practiced this over the dinner table, thinking, what's the most generous interpretation of this seemingly spiteful or annoying or whatever behavior. And it's good... far better than just saying, this person's a jerk... but your piece has shown me what it's missing.
It's still coming from my judgment of what's good/bad, imposing some generous interpretation that still something I would consider a reasonable explanation. Maybe I can't even fathom their explanation or experience. That's where this is so beautiful, and I just had to let you know, it's one of those things that I'm so grateful to know about, and will be bringing into my life and my family's life. Thank you!